Murder

Police in Fredericton New Brunswick have uncovered a potentially deadly but ill-conceived plot to annihilate an entire family over the Christmas holidays. At the center of the gruesome discovery are suspects Mac and Julie Haynes – an otherwise quiet and peace loving couple. The “fowl” deed was to be carried out on Christmas Day and apparently the plan evolved several months ago under the clever guise of an invitation to a family wedding.

The out of town guests were lured into the nefarious plot by attending the wedding where the suspects could study the eating habits of their innocent victims. Early reports also indicate that the couple even lured unsuspecting family members to a local soup kitchen but their evil scheme was foiled by too many witnesses.

It has been determined that the weapon of choice was intended to be the turkey which ironically was prepared by the suspect’s son and an out of town guest. While the murder weapon was being prepared the pair continued to weaken their prey by serving small but lethal and delicious hors d'oeuvres. It is also believed that Mr. Haynes had stockpiled several mincemeat pies as a backup plan.

The crime scene was found littered with a virtual arsenal of potentially lethal weapons; the fridge and freezer loaded with frozen lasagna, pies and various dessert squares. The crime nearly became international in scope when a visiting Swedish couple narrowly avoided being served a potentially deadly dish of meatballs and sauerkraut. 

Ultimately the guests staying at the suspect's home managed to escape after one last attempt to wipe them out with a breakfast of bagels, onions, cream cheese and smoked salmon. The unsuspecting victims were last seen fleeing the crime scene with suitcases that may or may not have been booby trapped with concealed confectionery. There is no word on whether or not this plan succeeded.

In a bizarre twist, Jacqui Pierce - the sister of Mr. Haynes apparently learned of the evil plans afoot and mounted a counter attack on Boxing Day with a full on assault of seafood chowder. After several bowls of the irresistible chowder followed by a staggering array of desserts Mr. Haynes suffered only minor heartburn. However there were reports of collateral damage among family members but amounting only to mild indigestion.

Last seen wearing aprons and oven mitts, the reprehensible couple remain at large and are considered to be armed and desperate. If spotted approach with caution and DO NOT - repeat DO NOT accept any offers of food no matter how tempting as these people will stop at nothing. They are reported to be in possession of large quantities of leftovers and are not afraid to use them. Police suspect that this will not be their last murderous attempt and have issued a warning to family members to be suspicious of any future festive gatherings. 

On a more positive note - despite the twisted plans of this devious couple a family spokesman is happy to report that a Merry Christmas was enjoyed by all.