Laceologist

I have recently started learning some new tricks at work - these are ordinary mundane tasks being taught to me by very competent staff members who have been doing this job for years. And like most things in life, what seems simple can be very complicated when it must be explained in minute detail. What I am learning is how to microfilm documents. Simple right? Sure it is - just take a document and take a tiny picture of it. What could be more direct and straight forward? Do this often enough and soon you will be called a "Micrographics Technician". Of course there are processes and procedures to follow and that is where the real fun starts.

But wait a minute! Let's not talk about being a Micrographics Technician - let's talk about becoming a Laceologist. Imagine, if you will, learning the complicated procedures and techniques involved in tying your shoes at any age let alone my advanced stage of life. Also imagine you have never worn or even seen shoes before and I think you will see where this is going... welcome to a day in the life of a would be Laceologist.

We will start you off with some simple sneakers and some big sloppy loops just to get you used to the concept of lacing, OK? So just put on some of these training sneakers and grab some practice laces - I'll be back later to see how you are making out. (Jeopardy Theme Music...)

OK, first of all I should have mentioned that these are all left sneakers - I guess I assumed you knew the right sneakers were on the other shelf. No problem - happens all the time. And these are all size 4 female sneakers. Oh and the laces you have there are for hockey skates but you have the basic concept down so let's move on. That's enough training for now anyway - we are way behind in our lacing orders so we will set you up at a lacing station this afternoon.

Now - there are 80,000 pairs of unlaced shoes in the warehouse and 160,000 pairs of laces - so time for a quick peek at the inventory database so you can find the correct shoes and match them up with the correct laces. You will find the shoes have been entered into the database according to style, size, material, and color. These have to be matched up to the appropriate laces which are sorted by length, width, color and eyelet style and are stored at our other warehouse across town in a completely different database. But don't worry - we have a work-around for that. You will catch on as you go, so carry on and I will see you tomorrow.

Good morning - I see you finished lacing 800 pairs of those brown Oxfords. Sorry - I should have told you that order was cancelled. I guess the database wasn't updated - computers eh? Just unlace them and see me after lunch about order #2009-14-F-48 for those Nike sneakers - apparently the idiot we had working here last month laced them all with #46734 rounds instead of #B88-R flats - what an amateur!

By the way - you are doing a great job on the lacing line but some of your orders have been going out with the laces tied in a counter-clockwise single loop. Oops - guess I forgot to mention those orders were supposed to be clockwise and double looped. I'm sorry about that but we are just so back-logged - you will get the hang of it... no problem.

And how is that paperwork going? Did I mention the paperwork? No? Oh damn - I thought someone told you about the on-line status reports and inventory control system. Just enter the shoe data in the appropriate column according to order number, delivery date, size, color, style and cross reference the lacing data according to length, width, material and lacing pattern - either American Standard Zigzag, European Straight or the Shoeshop Quicklace.

I think you are getting the hang of it so time to move on to our new updated inventory system which is being installed this afternoon. And the new Lace-o-Matics are being delivered next week so there will be some training sessions when we have time. Meanwhile - we have a backlog of 4000 pairs of army boots for Base Gagetown. The Dept. of National Defense uses a separate database and a completely different top secret military lacing pattern so forget everything you have learned up until now.  So it goes...

Well - I have to admit that becoming a Micrographics Technician is nowhere near as difficult as becoming a Laceologist and to be honest I am really enjoying myself. There is a lot to learn but my trainers are very patient and kind. Who says you can't teach an old dog how to tie his shoes? Just watch me!