Sunday, May 29, 2011

Up a Tree

Have you ever wondered what your life would look like as a TV program? No? Well I have. Consider it for a minute. What would it be? A game show or a reality show? Maybe a talk show with a never ending parade of guests dropping by. After giving it a little too much thought I have decided that my life on TV would be a classic sixties half hour sitcom, complete with commercials, theme song and of course a catchy title.

The cast of "Up a Tree" would be basically me and Julie, coping with our daily domestic situations, sharing good times and bad - now and then dealing with our dysfunctional family members and entertaining our wacky friends. I even have my theme song all picked out - a slightly uptempo instrumental version of "Misty" - the Johnny Mathis classic.

Picture it. As the theme song plays I enter the kitchen, announce that I am home, park my keys and wallet on top of the fridge and open the door in search of a pre-dinner snack as Julie patiently rolls her eyes, folds her arms and mugs for the camera. As the opening credits roll, I toss my hat at the hook on the wall and miss it every time - tedious and predictable but always good for a laugh.

Like most classic sitcoms and indeed real life, nothing much ever happens on my show. Maybe I misplace my car keys or forget to put water in the coffee maker again... how about an episode about building a deck or getting the lawn mower out of winter storage? Doesn't sound like much but you would be surprised what some clever sound effects and a well placed laugh track can do. And there are no parental advisories due to foul language, violence or nudity  - unless it is my turn to do the laundry.

No need to worry about missing an episode of  "Up a Tree" because it airs pretty much 24/7 - and there are always plenty of reruns. So tune in any time, sit back and put your feet up. And as that other TV show used to say - "Ya'll come back now - hear?"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Victoria


In honor of Victoria Day, I am pleased to present the lyrics to the song "Victoria" by Ray Davies. If you care to listen and sing along - just click on the picture of Victoria.

Long ago life was clean
Sex was bad, called obscene
And the rich were so mean
Stately homes for the Lords
Croquet lawns, village greens
Victoria was my queen
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, 'toria

I was born, lucky me

In a land that I love
Though I am poor, I am free
When I grow I shall fight
For this land I shall die
Let her sun never set
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, 'toria

Land of hope and gloria

Land of my Victoria
Land of hope and gloria
Land of my Victoria
Victoria, 'toria

Canada to India

Australia to Cornwall
Singapore to Hong Kong
From the West to the East
From the rich to the poor
Victoria loved them all
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, 'toria

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Preparation H

The second annual Wheels for Meals Bike-a-Thon is only a little over six weeks away. After eight solid months of winter this type of grueling event cannot be attempted without some form of preparation. 
It has been said that success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration but I would like to add to that equation. I feel that preparation is equally important to success and that is why I have proudly developed a training system entitled Preparation H. Haynes is the name and Preparation is the game. It may be a pain in the ass but it is for a good cause.

But what is Preparation H you ask? It is a strict regimen designed to prepare my body for actual physical movement. I will begin to move muscles that have not been used since last October. I will increase my lung capacity by slowly and repeatedly breathing both in and out. I will boldly try to stay awake - even after supper.

With the financial help of my sponsors I will make every attempt to once again complete the entire 20 kilometer route without the aid of steroids or artificial stimulants of any kind. With nothing but Preparation H behind me I will be swelling with pride, burning with passion and itching to do my best.

And this is where you can help. This year there are three sponsorship categories - please choose the one that best describes your commitment level:

$20.00 donation = Shining Golden Angel of Perpetual Kindness *
$10.00 donation = Silver Champion of Pure Generosity
$ 5.00 donation = Registered Bronze Participant

(* Only Shining Golden Angels of Perpetual Kindness will be issued a tax receipt)

With the help of Preparation H and your generous donation (and maybe just a little talcum powder) I know this year's Bike-a-Thon will be another blistering success! Please click on the email link below and make your commitment today. And thanks!