Fuckery and Hullabaloo

Our door bell has been defective for about two years. It was accidentally damaged by a wayward paint roller the first day we moved in and has never been right. Due to a bent chime it would no longer go Ding for the side door and Ding Dong for the front door - instead it went Ding for both. So we never knew which door to answer - I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but there have been some close calls. Answer the wrong door and you just might find yourself face to face with a Jehovah's Witness or miss out on a box of Girl Guide cookies. Obviously something had to be done...

I suggested putting up a sign at the side door that said Ring Once and one at the front door that said Ring Twice - problem solved, total cost $0.00 and both my Scottish mother and Handyman father would have been proud. But that would have been too simple wouldn't it? And besides, any idiot can fix a doorbell, right? So I bought a simple new door chime kit with lots of helpful installation instructions and after much fuckery and hullabaloo it was determined that it did not match up with our ancient 10 volt transformer. The best we could get was a ding for the side door and a muffled wheeze for the front door and it was downhill from there.

At this point I made the mistake of researching door bells on the internet - I had no idea there was such a fascinating world of door bells out there! There are beautiful wood grain sculptures with polished chimes, programmable door bells that play custom recorded songs and messages for any occasion. Biometric doorbells that scan your eyeballs and read your fingerprints! There are wireless door bells shaped like parrots, horses, porpoises - even talking Homer Simpson door bells! But alas such luxuries are not to be afforded in our modest doorbell budget, so back to the store I went and bought another model of the proper rating to match our good old transformer and then home again jiggedy jig. End of story - right? Wrong.

After much more fuckery and hullabaloo involving complicated schematics, advanced math, trial and error and black magic, the net result is that we now have no doorbell at all - no ding, no dong. But that is OK because now our defective doorbell fits right in with our misfiring gas fireplace, our non-toasting toaster and fuse-blowing cook top stove.

I realize these issues seem frivolous and petty and I would be more than willing to lend a sympathetic ear to anyone who cares to visit and share a cup of tea while we chat about the world's problems. Please feel free to drop by anytime, but it might be a good idea to call first and when you get here don't forget to knock - LOUD!