Murder

Police in Fredericton New Brunswick have uncovered a potentially deadly but ill-conceived plot to annihilate an entire family over the Christmas holidays. At the center of the gruesome discovery are suspects Mac and Julie Haynes – an otherwise quiet and peace loving couple. The “fowl” deed was to be carried out on Christmas Day and apparently the plan evolved several months ago under the clever guise of an invitation to a family wedding.

The out of town guests were lured into the nefarious plot by attending the wedding where the suspects could study the eating habits of their innocent victims. Early reports also indicate that the couple even lured unsuspecting family members to a local soup kitchen but their evil scheme was foiled by too many witnesses.

It has been determined that the weapon of choice was intended to be the turkey which ironically was prepared by the suspect’s son and an out of town guest. While the murder weapon was being prepared the pair continued to weaken their prey by serving small but lethal and delicious hors d'oeuvres. It is also believed that Mr. Haynes had stockpiled several mincemeat pies as a backup plan.

The crime scene was found littered with a virtual arsenal of potentially lethal weapons; the fridge and freezer loaded with frozen lasagna, pies and various dessert squares. The crime nearly became international in scope when a visiting Swedish couple narrowly avoided being served a potentially deadly dish of meatballs and sauerkraut. 

Ultimately the guests staying at the suspect's home managed to escape after one last attempt to wipe them out with a breakfast of bagels, onions, cream cheese and smoked salmon. The unsuspecting victims were last seen fleeing the crime scene with suitcases that may or may not have been booby trapped with concealed confectionery. There is no word on whether or not this plan succeeded.

In a bizarre twist, Jacqui Pierce - the sister of Mr. Haynes apparently learned of the evil plans afoot and mounted a counter attack on Boxing Day with a full on assault of seafood chowder. After several bowls of the irresistible chowder followed by a staggering array of desserts Mr. Haynes suffered only minor heartburn. However there were reports of collateral damage among family members but amounting only to mild indigestion.

Last seen wearing aprons and oven mitts, the reprehensible couple remain at large and are considered to be armed and desperate. If spotted approach with caution and DO NOT - repeat DO NOT accept any offers of food no matter how tempting as these people will stop at nothing. They are reported to be in possession of large quantities of leftovers and are not afraid to use them. Police suspect that this will not be their last murderous attempt and have issued a warning to family members to be suspicious of any future festive gatherings. 

On a more positive note - despite the twisted plans of this devious couple a family spokesman is happy to report that a Merry Christmas was enjoyed by all.

A Christmas Spectacle

When we moved to our new house about four years ago there was a very nice older lady living at the corner of our street. We didn't know her very well but always waved and said hello when we saw her out and about. Her name was Mrs. Slipp.

She was a widow and lived alone but her family members were always around and took good care of her. As our first Christmas approached we were surprised and thrilled to see a brilliant animated display out on her front deck. Four dashing skaters with blades flashing and legs pumping as they seemed to chase each other around the deck with scarves flying in the wind! It was really something to see and it lit up the whole neighborhood.

The festive display of the skaters was made even more spectacular by the stark contrast of our miserable attempt at putting up our dim, energy saving Yuletide wreath. It hung forlornly between our two front windows and you had to actually squint to see it - even in the dark. Other neighbors had yards festooned with brightly colored lights and flood lamps illuminating decorated front doorways but nothing compared to those skaters out there in the crisp night air.

We looked forward to seeing the skaters each year and always thought of it as a herald of Christmas. But as with all good things - this too came to an end. Mrs. Slipp passed away a few years ago and while we were saddened we couldn't help but wonder what would become of the skaters. The house was empty for the first winter and although we missed that vibrant display we tried to make up for it by putting a little more effort into decorating our own house and yard.

We put lights around the front kitchen window and decorated the porch rails with garlands and ribbons. We even had some help from "Victor" who spent the Christmas season on a ladder holding up a string of lights - you all remember Victor don't you? Alas even he could not measure up to the memory of those wintery skaters.

The second year after Mrs. Slipp was gone the house was rented and we wondered again - would the skaters return to brighten our winter spirits? But it was not to be - the girl who stayed there, although a relative, was a busy student and once again our street was left literally in the dark.

Last year the house was put up for sale and family members gathered over several weekends to clean the place out and prepare for new owners. I went over to talk with Mrs. Slipp's son and the conversation turned to her famous Christmas display. I asked him what had become of it and he said some family member would probably take it when the sale was final. I half jokingly told him if no one wanted it I would be willing to buy it. But sadly I feared we had seen the last of those skaters...

Another Christmas passed and spring came. I was in the yard one day just puttering around when to my surprise our old neighbor's son strolled up the driveway and asked if I was still interested in the skaters? Was I!? I practically jumped for joy and asked him how much he wanted. "How about nothing?" was his reply and nothing I could do could convince him otherwise. The skaters were mine for the taking.

It turns out that no one in the family wanted the skaters half as much as I did. I helped him carry them over to my shed and then ran in the house to tell Julie - who was even more pleased than I was if that was possible.

A Christmas miracle in the month of May? Why not? So we are now the proud owners of the skaters and once again our street is ablaze with lights and action for all to see and enjoy. We don't have a front porch so we had to build a makeshift wooden frame that is an eyesore in the daytime but a dazzling sight in the dark as you will see if you get a chance to drop by.

But in case you can't make it, here is a brief video that only begins to capture the spectacle of the skaters in action - complete with a festive Yuletide rendering of "Jingle Bells" which when you hear it will help to explain the picture above.  Enjoy!

For those of you who can't view the video above just click HERE.