Growing up Without a Helmet

I am not particularly happy with that title but you must admit that it's better than "How My Parents Tried to Kill Me" which was the original title for this blog entry. Hey - there is an awful lot of content out there and a catchy title can make or break you in this business.

Anyway - I got you to read this far so I guess I made the right choice. And now I can tell you that this blog actually is about how my parents tried to kill me. And not just me either, my parents did their level best to wipe all five of us kids off the face of the earth!

I really don't know who was worse - Mom or Dad. Dad was more direct in his approach and went for the quick results while Mom's methods were more slow, subtle and insidious. Sometimes they worked together like the time we were confined to the back seat of the car while they drove us all the way to British Columbia, each of them smoking two packs a day with the windows rolled up! Second hand smoke - hah! This was clearly a coordinated attempt at first hand suffocation by smoke. And just in case we managed to survive by begging for an open window they made sure no one was buckled up as we careened through the Rocky Mountains in the dark of night without power steering, ABS brakes or seat belts!

As I said before, Mom's attempt on our lives was so subtle it went virtually unnoticed until these more enlightened times. It is obvious now that she tried to slowly fry and salt us to death with what we innocently thought were nothing more than tasty meals. When that proved too slow she subjected us to hours of direct sunlight in summer and tried to frost our lungs with cold fresh air in winter. How naive we were as we thought it was merely fun we were having. But was it any safer indoors? No - the house was booby trapped with flammable and explosive bottles of Detol, Lysol and Javex - all within easy reach and exposed to open flame as she blatantly smoked.... indoors. Yes - you read that correctly - indoors. Oh the humanity!

Dad was not as patient as Mom and preferred the direct approach such as Highway Homicide (driving lessons) and Death by Drowning (swimming lessons). The instruction method at Perley's Driving School was basically to take you to the Trans Canada Highway and say something like "OK - start driving" and then begin loudly correcting the mistakes as you made them in the face of oncoming traffic. The swimming lessons consisted of being repeatedly flung into a lake. And I'll be damned if both methods didn't work. My four siblings and I are living proof - swimmers and drivers all.

Well despite their combined efforts we managed to dodge all those traps they set out for us and go on to live healthy and productive lives. I am actually glad we were raised in those treacherous times because we were able to escape the biggest child killers of all. Yes - I am referring to computers and video games. All they would have had to do was sit us in front of a Nintendo or PlayStation and perhaps our generation would not be as numerous as it is today. How ironic that because there were so many of us we were all forced to benefit from the "perils" of the great outdoors - the very place our parents sent us to escape from us. We survived childhood my fellow boomers, I think we can handle old age.